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I want to heal…

May 22, 2006

Found this in my papers…I had originally written it on April 12, 2003……I've moved past some of it, but much of it (too much, really) still rings true… 

I want to heal/I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain till it's gone]
I want to heal/I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park

…I want to heal…
Hurts, covered by years of stoicsm, lay festering beneath the surface of a broken heart.

…I want to feel…
Numbness creeps into my heart over the years as I hold back my pain and fears.

…What I never thought was real…
I have lived my life in a dream world, imagining the worst while hoping for the best…sometimes, even the impossible.

…I want to let go of the pain I've held so long…
My hurts, pains and fears have become a brick wall, slowly growing brick by brick to trip up those who try to come into my heart too fast…an emotional speed bump of sorts…into a solid wall, encasing my heart andblocking any who wish to enter.

…I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real…
I always reach for the unattainable…sometimes, I think that includes happiness.

…I want to find somthing I've wanted all along…somwhere I belong…
My greatest fear, above dying in a plane crash or car crash, above rats or spiders or other 'creepy crawlies," is to be alone. In my mind, to not have a place in the world is a fate worse than death.

A family, a home, someone who loves me unconditionally…these are all things I had and lost, in the blink of an eye. When my mom was alive, I didn't worry about these things (as much). It's true that I had the usual "teenage angst" phases, where I'd wonder what my place in the world was, or if there even was a place for me. When my mom died, my world died with her. I've never said that before…I don't think I've even conciously acknowledged it although it was at the back of my mind, filtering into my thoughts and actions. She loved me, no matter what. She put up with me, no matter how much of a spoiled brat I was. It's true that I have my church family and people who care, but it's not the same. I don't always feel comfortable going up to someone and saying "I need a hug" like I could with my mom. I can't sit at their feet and joke around like I did with my mom at the end of a stressful day. I mean, my friends are there for me, no mistaking that. I have a roof over my head, with people I call my "family," but it's not the same. I am constantly worrying that I will say or do something that will offend or hurt my friends so much that they won't "love" me anymore. That I will say something so outlandish or odious that they will leave me behind.

Strong arms to enfold me in a gentle hug…soft words whispered in an attentive ear…the warmth of a love so strong that nothing can break it…I see my friends with their boyfriends, girlfriends or spouses and long for 1/10th of the happiness that they have. I've lost count of how many of my friends are married, engaged or in a serious relationship. they have someone to love and to love them back. A lot of times, I'm afraid I'll never find that…

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Landon J. Carter permalink
    September 28, 2006 3:55 pm

    lyrics from linkin park

  2. Landon J. Carter permalink
    September 28, 2006 3:56 pm

    from linkin park

  3. June 4, 2007 6:18 pm

    Wow, that hits me so hard and so deep. My Mom died when I was 14 and I went through, am still going through, the same exact stuff. It’s like it says, “…I let it all out to find that I’m not the only one with these things in mind”. I’m afraid I’ll never be whole again, that this hollow space will never be filled. As for the “when she died, my world died” I so feel ya. I actually said somehting similiar to that in a paper I wrote for my creative writing class my senior year of hs. I’m a deep person and my Mom fostered that and we always had deep conversations especially when I was much younger. Now most people don’t understand me and tell me to shut up or somehting to that effect. I feel like I’ll never find anyone who will understand me like she did and love me completely and without conditions. Since then I’ve become so wrapped up in my own ethereal world of existential depression and anxieties (“the nothingness inside of me”) and have become so out of touch with everyone else I feel like I’ll never get back like a rock floating farther and farther out into space. But, I know that’s not what she wants for me. I know she’s here helping me and things will get better. I will become whole again. I will find somewhere I belong. I will heal. We all will. We will find our way Home. But for the past 5 years of my life I’ve really related to Linkin Park’s songs in that respect. I just Somewhere I Belong the other day and was blown away at how much it crystallized so many of my feelings. Every word is exactly where I’m at. It’s good that you’re exploring yourself (the unexamined life is not worth living) like that and that you have faith in God. He will guide you Home. Just listen for the gentle whisper that is His Voice. His Light and Love is there to fill that hollow space. I’m sure you know this. Your Mom’s waiting for you. Peace, love, and happiness. May blessings fill your path. -Matt

  4. Randy permalink
    February 8, 2008 11:47 am

    Similar situation to me. I really miss my Mom I cant even talk to my Dad anymore. It makes me feel like I am a bad person but it is just how I am. I can say that it is not an easy experience for this but we have all been forced to come face to face with God which many people are not moved to in such a needed way.
    Peace and Love,
    Randy

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