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An epiphany??

March 26, 2007


– Cedar Crest Bible Fellowship Church –

Pendel Brass “Garments of Praise” Concert Rehearsal

I’m somewhere I haven’t been in about seven years. I’m sitting in a Pendel Brass and Singers rehearsal on the day of a big concert. They are rehearsing the benediction, “God Be With You.” A lot of memories come rushing back (as they always do whenever I hear this song)…long practice days, intense concerts, busyness all around. When I left the Brass, I knew I had to go – quite simply, my time there was over. There was no way around that fact. But, although I denied it for some time, I missed it. But, what was it that I missed? Was it the long hours of practice? No way! Was it the fellowship? In a way, yes – there is a special fellowship that you enjoy when you’re a part of a group such as that. But, not really in some respects as I never truly felt I fit in during my entire five years in the Brass. (My own personal issues, I’m sure, contributed to this disconnect as well). Was it the politics? (And to be fair, not everyone engaged in those “politics” or were aware of them. However, they did, and quite possibly, still do exist.) No – I do not miss that aspect of it at all. To a certain degree, I do miss the challenging music and fun pieces that we performed, such as “William Tell” and “Go Down, Moses” or “I Will Guide Thee” and “Midnight Cry” to name a few.

However, as I sit here in the balcony of Cedar Crest Bible Fellowship, I realize that what I did, and do miss, is knowing my place in that world. Knowing where I fit it – even when I didn’t feel like I fit in. But, I knew what I was doing (that is, however, up for debate among some circles). Back then, I was a tuba player, I sang alto and I was on “stand committee.” I knew my responsibilities and my duties. Right now, I am in a time of intense growth and change. God is really teaching me a lot through people He places in my life and is using me a lot to speak to people through my writing and through interactions with them. However, I don’t know exactly where I belong. Age-wise, I’m stuck in the middle (which has its blessings and curses….). Socially, I’m likewise in the middle – not a college student/graduate but yet not established in life. Emotionally, I’m all over the place. (That could possibly be attributed to my increasing approach to the big 3-0…less than 3 years to go….ack!)

But, what are my gifts? Where does my piece fit in the puzzle? Sure, I love technology and have a passion and drive to show people how to use it effectively in ministry, but that’s not all there is to me. I love to draw. I love history – especially Salvation Army history. I love to write. How do I bring those pieces all together within the larger context of the puzzle that is my church (and the Church as a whole)? And, it’s not just about what can I do, because there are a lot of things that God has equipped me for, but what am I supposed to be doing? Where can I be used most effectively?

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